Fools Gold

An average movie, yet one I can flip on at any point and know what's going on...and leave at any time knowing my guilty pleasure will probably be on one of the other 7 HBO channels for me to continue watching later in the day..or week..or even hour. Tango and Cash is another one of these.

Life can seem so simple and relaxed when you slip into a bad, yet comfortable, movie. Kind of like the MC Hammer pants you still have in your drawer from 1990. Comfy history. :)

Tonight I start my blog with "Fools Gold" on the tv in the living room. While perusing the web for remnants of my past, (ex boyfriends and what they are doing today, friends who I have not seen in years, enemies I hope have gotten some rare genital disease), I felt nostalgic. Not really for the past in general, but the "Me" of the past.

I'm about to turn 34. I realize the friends I was once beyond close to are not really in my life anymore. I remember turning 19 and moving to Boston. I remember being comfortable about myself in nearly every way. No....confident is a better word.

I remember hitting every club in the city and never paying for a cover charge or a drink. I remember spending the day in the park with friends laughing.

I remember how it felt to be in the arms of the one I loved...one I have wronged...and vice versa. I remember making new friends and meeting new people on a consistent basis, and being happy to do so. Being happy to share time and stories with new, interesting, and sometimes un-interesting and vapid people. Isn't that what makes the world amazing? Knowing all types of people and considering them friends?

I remember going to work in an atmosphere where I was well liked and valued. A place that I felt I had helped build and mold in some way.

I remember dreaming of being a big theater actor. Auditioning for local and Broadway shows. Getting a call-back. Ah! Amazing.

I remember that fateful day I broke my damned ankle and needed 4 surgeries in 5 months to avoid an amputation. I remember my life never being the same.

I had to switch jobs. I spent less time with friends and more time in and out of the hospital. I gained weight after being comfortable with myself for a brief amount of time in the scheme of things. I withdrew more and more. Moved away from Boston in an effort to hide myself from those I cared most about.

I bounced from roommate to roommate over the years. A few issues here and there, but for the most part I always had a complaint. They were too loud. They bothered me with ridiculous minutiae. Blah blah blah. Yes, I did have some legitimate reasons to not be happy, but for the most part I think I was just not happy with having to share myself in any way.

So, here I sit. A Saturday night where most guys my age are hanging with friends at clubs, or having dinner at a friends house..I sit in my new apartment. By myself. I live alone! Finally! What I have longed for!

Yet I am the absolute loneliest I have ever been.

Here is my proposition to myself. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, work out. Go someplace you don't normally go and be open to enjoying new experiences. Be open to meeting new people....and re-connecting with old friends.

Easier said than done, huh? I need some sort of motivation. I have glimpses of what my life could be. No...I don't want it to be just like it was...I want it to be better.

I just have to gain the confidence to do that....and I guess that's on me.....